I Love You to Death by Ward Natalie

Author:Ward, Natalie [Ward, Natalie]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Natalie Ward
Published: 2012-09-26T16:00:00+00:00

By many, eight is regarded as lucky, yet by some it classifies you as crazy

∞

Playlist:

1. Lay it down – The Rubens

2. Girls like you – The Naked & Famous

3. Bloodstream – Stateless

∞

I feel like I’m going crazy, really going crazy. I don’t know why I didn’t notice this was all happening. Why I didn’t realise what he was doing to me or even what I was starting to feel now too.

This time around it was so different, but still.

I should’ve recognised what it meant when it all started happening again.

∞

When I eventually told Sam about me, he suggested maybe I should talk to someone.

"Why, because you think I’m crazy?" I asked angrily.

"No Ash," he said, immediately trying to calm me down. "I just think after everything you’ve been through, losing your friends, your aunt and stuff, that maybe talking to someone about it, would be a good idea babe."

I turned away from him, embarrassed. "I thought I could talk to you," I answered quietly.

"Ash," he said gently, pulling me into a hug. "You can always talk to me babe. But I’m scared I don’t know the right things to say. Scared maybe you need to talk to someone who understands all these things, tell you it’s ok to feel all this." His hands brushed my hair back as he kissed me. "I’m afraid I could make it worse."

I smiled at him. "You don’t make it worse Sam, I promise. You’re the only person I’ve ever felt I could tell this to. You’re the only person I’ve ever told and to be honest, I can’t believe you’re still here, especially after hearing it all."

Sam tightened his arms then, pulling my head onto his shoulder. "Ash, I’ll always be here babe, always."

Even then, those words sent a shiver through me.

But, I did take his advice and a couple of weeks later I found myself a therapist. And in the end, she was fantastic. She said a lot of great things to me, most of which I don’t believe anymore, especially now, but at the time they seemed to work.

Her name was Angela and she must have been in her fifties. She was very sweet and very patient and very good at listening to me. Actually I think what it really was, is she was very good at getting me to talk to her, to open up a little. I didn’t tell her everything, not like I’d told Sam, but I did talk to her about all the people I’d lost, about my fears of losing more, especially those closest to me.

"Feeling this way is very normal Ash," she said to me. "Everybody gets angry when they lose someone they love, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. Everybody worries that it might happen again."

I wanted to tell her for me, it always happened again.

Angela said these feelings of anger and fear often stem from a wanting to have the chance to see and do everything we could ever possibly want to do.

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